Tough times don’t last… right?

I haven’t written in a while. It’s August 29, and after days and weeks of muggy, hot weather, the cool of fall has crashed into us in the blink of an eye. It’s morning, and after a cup of coffee and pill-administering to my 11 1/2 year-old best friend, I realize it’s time to write. We just finished most of the filming of my trailer/proof of concept for Seahorse, so I finally have time to write - or emote - more accurately. I find that that is what writing really is for me: the moment I take to process what I’ve been holding in. Once again, my relationship is having “issues.” I’m somewhat embarrassed that my blog about female empowerment deals so much with the problems of being in a pair. But this isn’t really about empowerment, because male or female, we are human, and we all need love. We are born with this need for love, strive toward it our entire lives. Love is a feeling, and it is an action, a verb. In striving to achieve it for oneself, it makes sense we’d have to extend it in a way that may require more of ourselves than we’ve ever extended before, yet sensibility and ego often get in the way. “I’m not giving in to him, he’s the one who needs to x, y, z.” And maybe that’s true… So maybe silence or absence is the tack to take. They say we teach others how to treat us, so maybe a moment or days of silence can break those destructive patterns your partner is hellbent on continuing… or, maybe that silence - by both parties - is the end.

This website began at what I thought was the end of my relationship - now, 3 months later, I’m writing about the same, again.

It has been bumpy throughout. We’ve been together 5 months now, and we’ve spent tons of time together, traveled, dined, loved, fought, healed, and he’s gotten closer to being able to handle conflict and confrontation in a constructive way. His M.O. was either to blow up or avoid an issue altogether. It would be so much simpler if he’d approach our issues as a conversation or problem solving, as opposed to an attack where he needs to be defensive, or even more insulting (to me), inconvenienced. Lately, anytime I bring a problem with our relationship to him, he’s inconvenienced and makes me feel I shouldn’t be bringing it up. For someone sensible and emotionally healthy like me, it doesn’t make sense I’d be with someone who invalidates my feelings, who squashes my voice. “What a monster,” this quiet, Ivy-leaguer can be, I think.

Or, he’s just overwhelmed by the tribulations of separation and impending divorce, a new place, fears of upsetting his kids, and a job that isn’t going so well. Add to that my need to find out when I’m supposed to move in or go back to LA and it’s just too much for him. I’m not in a financial situation to get a place here - I have one in LA, but I’ve been crashing with my best friend to try to get film financing here. I told her I wouldn’t stay more than a year, and next month is one year. It’s time for me to go - for me, for her and her husband. I think their little girl is totally fine with it! But the toll that living underground, not seeing windows, not having your own kitchen, coming and going through a bulkhead (my choice, not theirs, but I needed autonomy) - the toll that takes on you is insidious. It’s minimal, but it adds up in a big way, and you just notice how shitty you feel, not knowing if it’s 4pm or 10pm, raining or sunny, windy or still. Having my own place, that sense of adulthood and basic accomplishment is something I need. The rest of my life is so uncertain, as a filmmaker and someone who doesn’t make money on a regular basis. Remember, I took out money from my 401k to support myself in this venture, I rarely make other income because I’m so dedicated to this one cause… And had I stayed 100% focused on it, instead of diverting my focus to a relationship, I’d probably be further along, probably be on the way to making money of my own. But I did - I diverted my energies and attention, because we strive for love and partnership, don’t we? Well, he’s partnered - not happily, but he is partnered and can’t be with me in a free way. We have to worry about his wife, and whether our relationship will provoke her to attack his finances. We have to worry about his kids. This is why, this is why I don’t get involved with married men. But he wanted it, and he fought so hard to get me to change my rule… And now where am I?

I’m at my parents’. The bathroom at my best friend’s where I normally crash is broken - a pipe. So I can’t use the toilet or shower or sink to wash my hands and brush my teeth… So much for autonomy. Anyway, I’m here. I’ve been nomadic for so long, it’s also taking a toll. Some people may like it, but I don’t like the feeling of not belonging anywhere, not having a place. I need a home base from which I can move around - I’m not a house cat - but without that base, I’m a rootless wanderer, and that I don’t enjoy.

When you commit to a project, you decide you’ll do anything to make it happen - including things that make you uncomfortable and upset - like not having windows that tell you it’s day or night, windy or rainy, like mouse poop on your bed or finding a drowned mouse in your dog’s water bowl. You commit to absorbing much pain and disappointment, rejection, loneliness, and above all, uncertainty, because the one certainty you have is your project, your purpose. Except that “certainty” is completely and utterly unreliable. I’m quite honestly standing on and counting on air. So a home base is really the one thing I need… why would someone smart like me tie that need to something as unreliable as a man and love? I’ve never been able to count on a man for my security and stability before, why would I count on him now?

Because that’s what grown-ups who claim they’re in love and want to take next steps do.

But also, people who love each other, have to give room for the nuances and complications, have to be understanding. And I will, and I am… but he needs to be able to have a CONVERSATION. I just asked for a plan… he can’t even be troubled by a plan. So he leaves me hanging. He leaves me with my option to go back to LA. He’s not looking out for me, so I have to. But the thing is, I can’t commit to a guy who isn’t looking out for me.

It’s not all bad, though. On the other side of all the relationship mess, I shot the trailer to my feature film. The footage looks beautiful and the edit has just begun. My team was A+ and I feel very hopeful about the outcome, in other words, it will be the strongest selling point in the pitch package to film financiers. And this is what I need to focus on. I’d like to get as much of this prepared as possible to have it at the American Film Market in Santa Monica in November. So for now, a run down my favorite rail trail, and then researching what I need to do to present my project at AFM.