The Ache Continues

It’s 12 hours later. and I can go about 5 minutes without thinking about it - that we haven’t spoken. I always wondered that if he had his own place, would he still want me there, or would he now decide he had the freedom to bring other women there, so why would he want to commit to one? And that’s totally possible, yet I know, he’s actually in a pretty good spot having me by his side. He’s 13 years my senior, and he’s a good-looking man, but he has made it clear that he worries more about all the guys who want me. To put it simply, he’s a pretty lucky guy - not just because I look like I’m in my 30s, but because I’m also a pretty sweet girlfriend. But right now, that doesn’t matter, because he’s not reaching out.

Silence isn’t golden for me. It is the most painful thing in the world. I know he may need it, and I’m trying to give him the space, but also, he gets weird and then thinks I’m holding out on him, that I should’ve reached out to him, that I don’t love him anymore. I just need him to be stable in his mind, but I know that’s unlikely due to whatever is going on.

Our last conversation was about HAVING a conversation. I told him we needed to talk about what we’re going to do, a plan regarding either him telling his kids about me, me moving in, or me getting another apartment in the city. He didn’t want to talk about it. He mentioned later that his dinner plans with his kids canceled and that we could have dinner. I told him if he wanted to talk about it, I’d have dinner. And if he didn’t we’d go another time. He left and went for a walk, texted he was too stressed and would call me later. Then texted he was having dinner with his girls after all. I told him I was happy to hear and that I’d made plans with friends.

“Good,” he replied.

“Have fun with your kids,” I said.

“Thanks,” were his last words to me.

Civil, see? But it’s clear he doesn’t want to talk about this with me, and so he’s going to freeze me out, teach me a lesson, I guess. Or maybe he is under a lot of stress. Could I just say “I haven’t reached out because I know you’re under a lot of stress, so I figure you’ll reach out when you’re feeling better.” Because if I leave this huge space, he’ll start to think nasty things about my intent, that somehow, I’m doing something unfair or ill-willed, when really I’m trying to see about our future. Am I going to LA and it’s over or are we finding another solution? He doesn’t even want to talk about it. We haven’t spoken in 2 days. And the way I see it, it’s on him to reach out. If he wants me, he has to reach out. He’s the one who walked out on talking.

God, do I even bother thinking we’re still together and there’s anything to talk about? Should I just plan my life as if I’m on my own again? Probably. What is MY plan if there’s no US anymore? I guess it opens right back up, doesn’t it? I can go to LA and I still have enough money to get me through the next 10 months. But do I want to spend it there? Do I want to be in LA primarily, and if not, where do I live in MA? Mom’s for a little while? What about throwing my friend Kim some money? Would my brother let me stay in his place for a little while? Do I do a 3-month thing here and a 2 week thing in LA? What kind of job can I get if I’m not fully in MA? Or maybe I just sort it out and commit to MA. I mean, aren’t I over LA? Well, I certainly grew more attached to the east coast because o my boyfriend, the life we were living. But if we’re not a thing anymore, what’s here for me? My family and great friends. I have great friends in LA, too… But my film is here. So is my Lexus. I have a lot here… LA is a place I can go to get away, and I love that. It’s a place that’s mine and quiet (for me), but I don’t know if it’s a place I want to live anymore, and I certainly don’t think my husband is there. Husbands. Fucken fuck if there’s a husband for me anywhere. I think that notion is overrated. They’re all fucking crazy, men. They say we’re crazy? Bullshit. They’re all over the place, insecure, jealous, emotionally inept, selfish, cruel, disloyal - crazy. And I’m sick to death of feeling this way! I am so fucking tired of being disappointed and hurt by men! I’m not doing it anymore.

Dear P- I have been understanding, loving, hopeful, patient, positive, supportive, fun, loyal, generous and kind - all of which I’ve felt sincerely, from the heart. I’ve been here, all in, the entire time. When you asked me to be exclusive, to give this “a real try,” I did. I went with you on that road, to get closer, be serious - and here we are. You’re in your place and I have to hide more now than we ever did before. I’ve been giving us a real try - like you said - so when I need to know what side of the country I’m going to be on and I ask my boyfriend to discuss it with me and he won’t, what am I supposed to think? For some reason, you’re not being forthcoming with me, you’re pushing me back. I don’t understand. But what I do understand is that I can’t do this anymore, be disappointed by another man I’ve given my heart and love to. I don’t deserve this. I KNOW you’re going through a hard time, and don’t know how to make everything work, but that is WHY we have a conversation. When you choose not to have it, I think it’s because you don’t want to tell me that this is actually not going anywhere. That I was here “for now” but that’s all I ever was, a “for now.”

I remember you once said to your friend “My biggest nightmare is that 2 years from now we won’t be together.” Well, it is within your power to make sure that never happens. Yes, there are circumstances. But those are just circumstances. If we know what we want ultimately, the circumstances are just bridges to be crossed.

There are a couple things I know: he doesn’t like confrontation or conflict.

ANNNND - he just texted. “Hope u r ok.” I sent the kiss emoji. And said “Have been thinking about you.”

He started to write something and deleted it, you know, the thinking bubbles of the iphone appeared, and then disappeared. Maybe my kiss emoji came too quickly, or was too lovie dovie, if he’s decided he doesn’t want to be together anymore… Fuck it. I’m not playing games this far into my life. We didn’t break up - there was nothing verbal about it, anyway. If this is his way of doing it, well, he’s going to have to man up and say it.

He just replied: “Ok.” He’s “ok” that I’ve been thinking about him. Sweet Mary mother of God, I’m in middle school again.

…Oh wait, I just saw his think bubbles again… and they disappeared. Yep, middle school, maybe even grade school. Bubbles are back. “Come out,” he said.

“To?” I ask.

Bubbles. Disappear. Bubbles. Also, it’s 10:30pm - I’m a fucking booty call. He’s drinking and wants to see me… but I think he’s going back and forth between making a bad, drunk decision because he still hasn’t told me where he is- either because he doesn’t want to tell me he’s nearby in Concord or because he isn’t sure he wants me to come out?? “Get here,” he just wrote, but still hasn’t told me where “here” is. Bubbles. Concord is 20 minutes away, his place is 30 minutes away. He told me to go to Cambridge.

I said “you’re home? You’re not home, you’re out, I’m sure.”

“Ok,” he wrote. “Bf?”

“Huh?”

“Where are you?”

“Mom’s.”

“Ok,” he wrote.

“Why? What is bf?”

“Ok.”

“Get home safely, drink lots of water, and get some rest.”

“Ok.”

“What bar?” I waited a couple minutes but no reply. “Gn,” I wrote.

Bubbles. I guarantee, it’s “Gn.”

The thing about all this is - is this a preview, of who might be my drunk of a husband, or is the reason he’s drinking because he’s lonely, has nothing else to do and is under a lot of stress? A man or woman texts when they’re drinking because it’s something they want to do but can’t be “responsible for”, or something they really want to do, but need liquid courage for, or are hoping to end the night with sex, or know they can’t be expected to have a serious conversation when they’re drinking.

“Gn,” he finally texts back, 6 minutes after those bubbles disappeared.

Get here? Quickly? Who the fuck does this dipshit think he is? Like he can jump and say how high? When did he get so deluded? He’s overcompensating. By telling me what to do, he’s taking the position he’s in charge, but I see right through it. He knows he’s completely out of control, losing me, so he has to give the illusion that he’s in charge enough to dictate where I go, and what I’ll do to see him. It didn’t work. “Quickly,” was probably because the bar was closing, or that he wanted to see me right away. I think he texted to make sure I wasn’t out with another guy. Also, out of 13 texts from him, 6 included the word “ok,” 5 of which ONLY included the word “ok.”

Again, men say WE are crazy. Double bullshit. Horseshit! You guys are a fucking disaster, or plain morons. Writing “ok” 5 times, even when it doesn’t make sense (Ex. What is bf? “Ok”) is moronic. I think it’s safe to say my old man is spinning out and hard. And he can’t be serious at all. He is not in a position to take me seriously or have someone in his life he can protect, because he can’t even take care of himself, or at least, make good decisions. He’s probably at the local bar. Oh, and don’t worry, just in case I missed his first “Gn,” he’s offered me another one just now. Because he DOUBLY wants to wish me goodnight - while I’m sleeping - err, typing. He wants to keep talking so badly that he’ll generously throw out his one word responses. It’s like he’s DYING for me to know he DOESN’T CARE THAT MUCH. Mmm-kay.

I sent a smiley emoji and asked “Traveling this week?”

“Ok.”

“That doesn’t really make sense, but ‘ok’.”

This guy has some serious fucking problems. One of which is a drinking problem, the other is probably mental and I’m not sure if it’s bi-polar, multiple personality, or straight clinical Narcissism. But quite frankly, I don’t care. His self-loathing which he thinks he’s disguising as indifference, superiority, or “coolness,” is actually clear as day. He also probably thinks that by getting some stranger to go home with him, that it’ll prove he a) doesn’t need me because he can “get” someone else, b) doesn’t love me, c) will prove he’s desirable and fix all his other insecurities, and d) act as a “see, I showed her! But the only sad one at the end of the day will be him, because instead of just addressing the issue with the one he loves, he chose to “win.” No one wins this way and both “lovers” lose.

He’s upset that I didn’t go there to see him, so he’s showing he “doesn’t care” by saying “Ok.” Like, he doesn’t care enough to make sense, literally offering words that show he’s openly, actively not engaging in dialogue. Hahahaha. Wow, he just showed his cards - his pathetic cards!